My life is constantly changing, constantly evolving... and constantly fucked up! My outlet for my fears and feelings has always been writing, but has never been made public for all to read.


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Thursday, November 27, 2003
Scottie Article

It's kinda hard to see, I know, but it's a picture from the newspaper.  These are my cousins, Ashley and Ryan, they are Scottie's older brother and little sister.  This picture is of them standing by the memorial the family has created and maintained at the site where he was killed.  I'm gonna post the article below for those who want to read it.
*I took out last names, because there are sick fucks on the internet*

Understandably, feelings of thankfulness and appreciation for life's bounty may not be uppermost in the thoughts of the **** family this holiday season. Celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas doesn't quite seem right without their beloved son, brother, cousin, grandson and nephew, Scott.

Scott James *** died Nov. 2 from injuries he received when he was struck by a vehicle the night before. He was hit just before 9 o'clock while blowing leaves along the south side of County Road 69 near Clay Street, alongside Rahr Malting, one of the prized accounts of Dedicated Services Lawn Care and Snow. Scott and his friend, David ***, started Dedicated Services about four years ago while Scott was a student at Shakopee High School. A fiercely independent young man at age 21, his family says Scott never wanted to work for anyone but himself. He was working at Rahr Malting that night finishing up groundwork before an anticipated snowfall the next day.

The State Patrol said he was in the southernmost lane of traffic in the east-west roadway when a vehicle hit him. Doloretta Dee Finch, 37, of Shakopee, has been charged with criminal vehicular homicide in the hit-and-run crash. Her next court appearance is Dec. 1.

Scott is survived by his mother, Kristy ****; father, Duane ***; siblings Ryan and Ashley, and grandparents Adeline *** and Teresa ***.

Scott's death has left a void in the *** family that no seasonal holiday can fill. A memorial near the site of the crash has been maintained. Fresh flowers and an American flag were added during the past two weeks. The holidays are a typically special time in the *** family, a time filled with laughter, fun, playing with young children and togetherness. Scott enjoyed all those things, especially playing with little ones. He also enjoyed playing with his niece and Dave and Freedom *** children. The children brought out the kid in Scott. He frequently called his sister, Ashley, to make sure she was OK and to talk with her daughter, 3-year-old Maleigha.

"It was yak, yak, yak," Ashley said. "He always played with her, always brought her the coolest toys. He was all smiles when ever they were together."

Scott had more than a little bit of playful kid in him. He loved riding snowmobiles and all-terrain vehicles. He enjoyed bringing Halloween candy to his grandmother's room while she was at St. Gertrude's during a recent stay. But he also took time to stop over at her home near down on Third Avenue West, not far from Rahr Malting, to make sure she was all right.

In the weeks since Scott's tragic death, the family has heard from many people who were touched by the young man who went out of his way to help people. He was known to take time to cut the grass of people he knew but not necessarily knew well, especially older adults who lived downtown. He did so without accepting payment. He wanted to be a firefighter and had completed the required training that would allow him to help people when they needed it most. Stories from people Scott helped are of some comfort for Scott's mother, Kristy, and his father, Duane, and their family and friends.

"I go day to day, hour to hour. I don't get much accomplished," Duane said this past week. "I find myself driving down there [County Road 69]. Don't know why. I have know reason to be on that road."

Kristy takes comfort in the cards she and the family still receive. Among the expressions of sympathy are the personalized notes, "the nice things about Scotty.

"He had a wonderful gift. He loved people of all ages."

Ashley said Scott was the perfect big brother, always keeping an eye out for his little sister and making sure she was hanging out with good people. Scott would never hesitate to let her know if his little sister was hanging out with someone he didn't approve of. Ashley recalls telling her brother she loved him, hoping he would respond in-kind. But his response was always, "me too," she said.

Shortly before he died, Ashley said, Scott finally responded with, "I love you."

His family was as important to him as his independence. Scott thought nothing about doing his uncle Ken's lawn work after Ken had back surgery several months back. Ken held a special fondness for his nephew. Scott was the only kid Ken would trust with a key to his workshop and knew that anything that was borrowed would be back soon.

"I never asked him to do it [the lawn work] and he never took any money for it," Ken *** said.

Ken *** encouraged Scott to put in a bid for the lawn work at Rahr Malting. He had seen Scott working along County Road 69 many times, an area that state trooper Mark Lund, who investigated the hit-and-run, described as a "transition zone" from highway speed to local-street speed. The family believes the crash happened around 8:50 or 8:55 p.m.

"He worked many, many nights in the dark," Ken said. "When he started something, he wanted to finish it. The Rahr account was important to Scott."

At a time when the family searched for something, anything, they could take heart in after Scott's tragic death, it's the knowledge that somebody took the time to care for Scott when he needed it most.

Auerelio Mendez was working across County Road 69 that night at La Playa Azul, a Mexican Restaurant his family owns. A few minutes after 9 p.m., a group of customers leaving the restaurant told Mendez that somebody apparently had been hit and was on the ground across the roadway. Mendez said he had seen the light Scott was wearing on his head earlier in the evening as he worked along the roadway.

Without thinking about his business, the 23-year-old ran across the roadway while his younger brother, Josue, called for help. Mendez quickly reached Scott, checked for a pulse and tried to reassure him that help was on the way and to hang on as best he could.

"Nobody was doing anything to help him. We were the only ones. He sounded like he was struggling to breathe," Mendez said. "I just hope somebody would do that for me if I was in that situation."

The leaf blower Scott had been using was still running as it lay on the ground about 10 feet from Scott's injured body. Despite the sound of the idling blower, an eerie quiet, Mendez said, overtook the area. "Sometimes this road is pretty busy. But it was really quiet," he said. "There was no cars, no nobody."

Although he had never met Scott, Auerelio Mendez stayed with him, holding Scott's hand and urging him to hang on until help arrived. It wasn't until paramedics and police rolled Scott's injured body over that the injuries Scott suffered became frightfully obvious.

"I could tell it was really bad," he said. "I knew he wasn't going to be all right."

Mendez's actions are of some comfort to the *** family. They have presented him with a plaque bearing a photograph of Scott and an inscription thanking him for helping their beloved son, brother, nephew, cousin and grandson when he was alone and in great need. They also are comforted by the irony that Scott and Auerelio had much in common. They're about the same age, 23 and 21, and both working hard to make their respective businesses successful. The two young men both fancied tattoos and even smoked the same brand of cigarettes.

Today, as he looks across County Road 69 at the memorial friends and loved ones have erected, Auerelio Mendez thinks about Scott *** and his family.

"I think we would've been friends," he said.

Posted at 8:52 pm by -Monica
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Happy Turkey Day!

Ahh, Thanksgiving... the most worthless holiday of all!  I am thankful for a lot, and I show the people I love every single day how thankful I am for them.  I don't need a holiday for that.

So I get up at 9am *after another GREAT nights sleep* and get ready to head over to my Grandma's.  Let me explain this to you quick:  My uncle owns 2 apartment complexes in Shakopee and when my Grandpa died, my Grandma moved into one of his buildings because it would be easier for people to take care of her.  Anyway, she has a 2 bedroom apartment and it's REALLY nice... but it's NOT nice enough for 30+ people to gather in.  We're all grown now, have boyfriends * yes Brad came* and girlfriends, some of us with kids... naturally the family has grown.  Standing room only on holidays at my Grandma's house.  This year it was especially important to have it there, because it will most likely be our last Thanksgiving with her.

Food was great and I do love seeing my out of town relatives, but my head was about ready to explode within the first hour.  Ashley and Maleigha *Scottie's little sister and her daughter* came and I was so happy to see them.  Duane *Scottie's Dad* couldn't do it, he just didn't think he'd be able to handle being there knowing that Scottie wouldn't come running through the door with his smiley face.  Anyway, I made it through the day and am happy to be back in my quiet house again!!  Ahh, no screaming kids!  Hope you all had a wonderful day with your families!

Posted at 8:33 pm by -Monica
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Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Ahhh, sleep *zzzzz*

Thanks to my bud Chel, I got AWESOME sleep last night!  I haven't had a good nights sleep in 2 weeks you guys, fuckin eh this feels good.  I was telling Chel about my weird sleeping patterns and she suggested that I get some Tylenol PM.  I took it at like 8pm last night and at 9:30 I felt like I was going to pass the hell out.  I migrated to my bedroom, and was OUT!  8 1/2 hours of sleep, I don't know how long it's been since I got that good of a sleep.  I'm feeling good, and I'm going to put my tennis shoes on and go for a nice long run!  THANKS CHEL!!! *kiss*

Posted at 6:03 am by -Monica
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Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Current Issues *blah*

I don't know what the hell is going on with me, well actually... I do.  You see, the past 2 months of my life have twisted and turned me in a million different directions.  A month ago, I found out that my Grandma has terminal cancer.  Now you would think that at 84 years old, I would understand how wonderful her life has been, and that it's okay to let her go.  But I don't want to.  I never want to let go of her.  In my life, there have always only been a few select people who I feel I can really trust.  A few select people who I honestly don't think ever judge me based on the person I have become.  A few select people that I can openly confide in without a worry in the world.  My Grandma is, was, and always has been one of those people.  I remember when my Grandpa died in '97, I didn't think my Grandma would ever be the same person.  Once I grew up and matured, I realized it made her an even stronger person.  I never looked at her and thought I would ever not have her in my life.  What will I do when she passes away?  How will I handle it?  Most importantly, how is my mom going to handle it?  She's so close to her mom, much like I am to her.  I can't imagine EVER losing my mom, even thinking about it makes my stomach turn and the anxiety begins to set in.  Blah, anyways!!  So I'm spending as much time with my Grandma as I possibly can, and I am thanking God that I even have the chance to do so.  When my Grandpa died, it was sudden and unexpected.... and I didn't get to say goodbye.  My little problems probably seem really trivial to some, but my family is my world!  Stupid damn cancer!!!

Posted at 6:45 pm by -Monica
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My very first blog entry!!

Hi, I'm Monica, a 24 year old female from Minnesota.  I decided to start this blog for many reasons, the main one being that I just need an outlet for my feelings and frustrations.  I've been through a lot of shit in my short life, and usually just keep it bottled inside.  My fears and frustrations include, but are not limited to: Lonliness, self confidence issues, anxiety, self worth issues, lack of motivation and most of all... just pain!  I have a wonderful family, one some people can only dream of.  My parents were high school sweethearts who got married at 19 and raised 4 children.  I look at my parents as my cheerleaders, the people who even at my worst, never gave up on me.  The people who look at me and see what I don't see, and try to make me see the same thing.  The people who gave me life, and helped my learn to live on my own and be a responsible adult.  The people who, no matter what I do or say, will always love me the same.  I have 2 younger brothers and an older sister.  My lil brother Derek is 21 and absolutely amazes me everyday.  He has a love for life that I cannot even begin to understand.  He's recently found love, and it shows in his eyes and glows from within.  He's smart, handsome, funny, hard-working, and is an exact replica of my papa.  Drew is 18, and this kid is my entire world.  I sometimes look at him and still see the 8 year old I used to play teatherball with.  Sometimes I see the 11 year old who used to get beat up on the playground because he was the scrawny, nerdy kid.  Today I see the best 18 year old on the planet.  The kid who used to get beat up and picked on, is now the kid who lifts weights 5 times a week and could definately do the ass kicking.  I just love him, I could go on and on forever but I don't want to bore you.  My sister Heidi is 27 years old, and is my absolute BEST FRIEND!  On my worst days, she's the one person who can always pick me up.  She's loved and lost, but has realized that this loss only strengthened her for future love.  She LOVES animals, so much that she refuses to eat meat and thinks it's necessary to criticize me when I want a big juicy hamburger.  She's crazy, but she's the BEST!  Could it get any better?  I think not.  So anyway, here is a little quiz dealie to help you get to know me a little better.

Name: Monica
Birthdate: July 18, 1979 
Height: 5'7"
Hair: Red/Auburn, whatever 
Location: Minnesota
Real Name: Monica Jayde
Nick Name: Mon, Mo-Mo, Mony Mony *thanks Dicky*
Sex: Whenever I can get it!!  Ok, Ok.. I'm a woman
Marital Status: Single
Kids: Nope
Pets: 2 chinchillas, Missy and Roo
Hobbies: Poetry, family, my online buds *love ya*, dancing, etc.
Do you have any piercings or tatoos: No tats.  Pierced belly button and double pierced ears.
Personality Traits: Funny, outgoing, bitchy, goofy, real!!! 
Pet Peeves: CHEATERS!!!  Anybody who lies, I hate liars! 
Do you drink: Yes I do!
Color: Green
Sport: Ice Hockey, GO WILD!!!
Place for a date: Ya know, I don't need much.  Dinner and a movie back at my place with some wine and candles is purrrfect!  I'm easy to please. 
Favorite Saying: "COME ON!" 
Favorite Number: 2 and 12 
Food: Yes, please!  I love all foods... put it in front of me, I'll probably eat it. 
Drink: Mountain Dew *ugh* and for alcohol, Captain Morgan/Diet Coke *yummm*
Car: If it gets me where I'm going, I could care less!!
Perfume or Cologne: Neither, I HATE perfume!  I loooove Victorias Secret *Strawberries & Champagne* 
Movie: Billy Madison and American History X
Music: I like all kinds of music, favs include: James Taylor & Ben Folds Five
Actors/Actresses: Eh, Cameron Diaz and Adam Sandler
IceCream: New York Vanilla
Toothpaste: Mentadent
Place to be kissed: My neck and the inside of my thigh *tingle*

Posted at 3:01 pm by -Monica
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